When I started experiencing anxiety and depression, I was a teenager. There was little awareness on how to recognize victims of trauma back then, so my symptoms were chalked up as unexplained. I was given an incorrect diagnosis and heavily medicated. Today, my symptoms would immediately be flagged for further evaluation of a child possibly being traumatized.
If you have ever worked with clinicians in the mental health world, one of the first questions you are asked is if there is history of mental illness in your family. I didn’t understand the purpose of this screening process and felt that my family was being judged. Therefore, I rarely answered honestly. This screening is one way generational trauma is identified. The truth is, there is extensive history of mental illness in my family. Much of it is still undiagnosed and untreated. There are also addiction issues and other risky behaviors that plague my family.
There are many forms of generational trauma that can be passed down in families. They can involve anything from the different types of violence to incarceration, poverty, abandonment, and more. The actual patterns and/or mindsets are repeated. The person who has unresolved issues acts on learned behavior and continues the unhealthy habits. They don’t just wake up one morning and decide to harm those they love.
Everyone handles trauma differently. I have a family member who changed genders recently. At first, I didn’t make the connection between their transition choice and my own painful past, but once I did, I realized that I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t crazy.
As a young girl, all I wanted to do was be a good big sister. I did everything in my power to protect my two younger sisters from what I was experiencing. I may never know if I did. They have not spoken to me in over ten years. One of them has a successful counseling practice helping others through trauma issues. If I could say one thing to my sisters right now, it is that I am not angry. In fact, I am grateful to them. They gave me the motivation and space to heal. My door will remain open should they ever come knocking it.
The following article describes the impacts of generational trauma in detail: https://health.clevelandclinic.org/generational-trauma
With proper trauma-informed care, you can learn to:
- Accept trauma as part of your family’s experience.
- Recognize its effects on you and your family.
- Break unhealthy habits and thought patterns.
- Create healthier patterns of thought and behavior.
I chose to break the cycle of generational trauma in my family. The key is to make sure it stops with you. If you repeat the unhealthy behaviors, you are as responsible as the person(s) who passed them down to you. Your job is to work on being as healthy as possible physically, mentally, and emotionally, so you can be the best version of yourself. It is not your job to try to fix or change the other members of your family. From personal experience, I tell you that you will probably stay stuck in the sickness, and it usually brings about a lifetime of disappointments.
Quote by Rick Warren: “You’re only as sick as your secrets.”
Part of my healing process was cutting off communication from my family and certain family friends. They have regular contact with the person who took advantage of me. I had to protect my peace of mind. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do, but it was also one of the most rewarding. I felt judged by them. I wasn’t given the opportunity to share my truth, and I was reprimanded by a family member who I once trusted. Due to the generational trauma in my family, it appeared they would do anything to keep my family’s secrets from surfacing. These secrets continue the cycle of generational trauma, as it did with mine.
I care for my family. I will always care for them, but I will do it from a distance. I won’t enable their unhealthy choices anymore.
The person who hurt me threatened me repeatedly. They said that if I ever told anyone about what was done to me they would kill my parents and sisters. I carried this secret with me for over forty years. My parents and I have an unspoken understanding of the pain I experienced. I know they recognize my growth, and they respect my strength and resilience. We don’t need to talk about my past. Our relationship continues to improve, as I provide them with the reassurance that I am okay now. I prove that with the healthy choices that I make on a daily basis. I am fortunate that my parents do everything they can to shelter me from the dysfunctional parts of my family.
A couple of years ago, I provided the police in the appropriate jurisdictions with vital information about the crimes committed against me. We called my abuser from a detective’s office and recorded the conversation. I started the phone call by offering that family member my forgiveness. I thought the conversation would go very differently, but that person cried in pain and told me how much they hate me. They shouted about how mentally ill I am, and they yelled that they could not forgive me. They blamed me for hurting my family, specifically my parents. I spiraled out of control for months after hearing that, blaming myself all over again for the illness that riddles my family.
After the police reached out to that person for a statement, they retained an attorney and refused to comment further. Justice looks different for everyone. In my case, I realize that justice will most likely not entail my abuser being locked up behind bars. Instead, I wish for that person’s soul to be at peace. I have compassion for them. Hiding behind lies and deception must be an exhausting and scary way to live. For me, justice is me living life free from the burden I carried for so long.
There are millions of people walking around with trauma issues. They are fighting silent battles that they may not be able to talk about. That is why it is so important to meet others where they are. Treat everyone with respect. You may be in the same position someday. It makes a difference to receive kindness in those times of personal struggles. What you give off comes back to you tenfold.
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